Peptember

The Sacred Lore

In the beginning, there was nothing but crust, sauce, and cheese. The world was bland, unseasoned, incomplete. The people wandered through their meals without purpose, without joy, without grease.

Then the Great Pepperoni dropped down from the sky and spread its grease upon the world, giving us salt, fat, and flavor. And it was good. And it was spicy. And the people rejoiced.

Today, we give back the month of March in remembrance of it—a sacred time known to the faithful as Peptember.

The Cleanse

During Peptember, the faithful undertake a holy ritual known as the Cleanse—a full, thirty-one day month of giving up all other dietary preferences and submitting to the glory of pepperoni.

And not one of the short months either, like February. This is a full, thirty-one day month of feasting on nothing but pepperoni, in all its forms: sliced, diced, baked, fried, rolled, stuffed, and scattered upon every meal.

Those who complete the Cleanse emerge transformed—their palates purified, their spirits greased, their devotion to the Great Pepperoni unshakable.

The Commandments

Thou shalt honor the pepperoni above all other toppings, for it is the chosen one.
Thou shalt not consume plain cheese pizza during the sacred month, for it is an abomination.
Thou shalt share thy pepperoni with thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor is on a diet, in which case thou shalt eat their share.
Thou shalt not question the grease, for the grease is a blessing.
Thou shalt observe the Cleanse for the full thirty-one days, no exceptions, no substitutions, no pineapple.
Thou shalt speak the holy words before each meal: "Praise be the Great Pepperoni."
Thou shalt spread the gospel of Peptember to all who will listen, and also to those who won't.

The Sacred Lore

The Cleanse

The Commandments

The Sacred Calendar